Yeah, that sounds like a pity party, but it's my party and I'll cry if I want to. Thing is, I only lost one friend to death, and no close members...though I'm came close twice to losing an immediate family member. But all the incidents, both small and large, have put so much stress on me I feel both physically and mentally tired all the time, every day. It takes a toll on an overly energetic person like myself.
Now, I've always said, if you don't like something about your life you should change it. How do you change things that have nothing to do with yourself. I have an issue of being an overly compassionate person. I mean like compassionate to a fault. I will see a fender bender, pass it, not go back, then obsess for weeks over whether they had gotten hurt and how I should've gone back to check on them. Sounds strange, doesn't it.
To top that off, when someone around me - or even on television - is hurting emotionally or physically, I feel physical pain. My chest gets heavy, and my stomach burns and aches. This is called Heartbreak Syndrome (yes, it's real. Look it up if you don't believe me). I've always wished I could be one of those people that hear bad news, and while I still felt "bad" for them, I didn't obsess over trying to make things better for them.
Some of you are sitting there with your mouths agape, amazed that something as hard as myself can be so soft inside. What can I say? I'm a great actress. Hell, I should probably get an Academy Award for how tough I pretend to be. Don't get me confused with being a push over...I'll jack someone up if they mess with my friends or family. But, at the same time, I'll feel very guilty for causing you any distress...maybe.
I've always wondered if there was a way to break this cycle. I would love to just feel my own pains and not everyone around me. I would love to stress out only over my own life, not everyone I know. I love to say "no" just once a day. You'd think saying those two simple letters would be easy, but not for people like myself. I'm always scared if I say no, something bad will happen. Is that a form of OCD? I should ask a shrink sometime.
So, to sum up this blog, I'm hoping and praying next year will bring way less stress. I really don't think I can take another year like this one. No, I won't bore you with specifics, but those of you reading this who are part of my everyday life are nodding in agreement. This year sucked...but my family is healthy, my kids are loved, and I have the greatest husband in the world!