How NOT to Succeed as an Author

How many articles have you seen on how to become a successful writer? Ten? Twenty? One hundred? I know I've personally scoured through the Internet trying to find every article on how to become a successful author, how to find an agent, how to schedule a successful book release party. Yet, here I sit, unpublished (with a traditional house, anyway), and still completely obscure and unknown.

So, I've decided to write an article on How NOT to Become a Successful Author.

Tip 1-Don't bother editing your work....that's what in-house editors are for.
Why should I bother editing anything win the publishin hows will due it fore me? I mean, isn't that watt they git paid four?

Tip 2-The second you finish your manuscript, write a query and start searching for an agent. Any agent will do, so just pick a name out of a hat and hit send.

You finished the book, why not go ahead and shop it? I mean, I know you spent at least a good week or so, why waste anymore time on educating yourself about specific agencies, or even revising and perfecting your manuscript?!


Tip 3-When you receive a rejection, email the agent/s immediately and demand they give you a legitimate reason as to why they aren't interested in your masterpiece. They obviously couldn't see past the hastily written, typo laden query to see just how very brilliant you and your story really are.

Tip 4-Instead of querying through email, why not send all queries through mail whether the agent asks for snail mail or not? In fact, make sure you send something along...say, maybe a bouquet of flowers, or a box of candy, and send it certified. That way, if they have to sign for it at least you know they received it.

Tip 5-Don't bother with writer's groups, or online networking. You don't have time to talk to other people. You need to live the life of a writer, so lock yourself away and write. Other writers will just be jealous of your talent and drag you down. In fact, if you let anyone critique you, they may steal your work and make a lot of money.